Unwanted fate

If living and dying are a choice, i would love to die, as long i dont have to get the afterlife punishment, if i knew i non stop suffer in this world, i would end my life years ago when im only half of my age right now, too much sins i've got committed at this age right now, its too late to end it and i already lost too far in this life, is it being too secrective harm myself, am i covered my pain too well as they think im alright, for the sake of others, the people who claimed they sick of me, who looked down me, im just looking at them when they selfishly abondoned my feeling on that time, now u all blame me to what i've become, when each of u got someone to talk to, im all alone, yet u all say, be patient, be patient, the hell u want me to be patient as u leave me alone when i need someone by my side,AND U GOT SOMEONE TO TALK TO BUT IM NOT, i looked all alright outside cause im already mastering in faking my expression, but i cant faking my inside feeling, im getting worse mentally cause of the selfishness all of u, dont u all felt blessed even once when u all got troubled caused by the other daughter yet u got the younger daughter who always surrender in most arguing situation, dont u felt blessed that im not really told u that im suffered over all those thing created by your daughter, dont u felt blessed that im rarely crying in front of u just to not make thing worsen on that time, dont u felt blessed u force me did everything me to do cause its your money, so u must decided everything for me, im scared to declined it as u would glare at me asking 'so what u want to do if i dont help u decided like this?????!' u've decided everything on your own, when realized i dont own even a little self confidence on that time cause u made me one, WHY U ALL BLAME ME WHAT IM BEING NOW AS ITS ALL YOUR ACTION WHO CREATED ME NOW,YET U DONT WANT TO ACCEPT ITS ALL YOUR FAULT WHO TURNED ME INTO BAD PERSON, I SWEAR BY THE NAME OF ALLAH, I SWEAR BY THE NAME OF ALLAH, IM SO DEVASTATED WITH THIS DESTINY OF MY LIFE